Why don't people ever treat stress with sincerity? Often people, including myself, say things like "stop stressing out," "what are you so stressed for?" As if we were created with an on/off switch for stress. The more my life changes the more I realize about myself. I had more doctor appointments recently, all good, one was a follow up after some lab work testing my thyroid. Some people may not know this but a couple of years ago I was on high blood pressure pills and thyroid pills which I was told I would have to take the rest of my life... During that time I was in and out of the clinic once, twice, three, up to four times a month! That's right! There were months where I felt so miserable I was in there once a week. I can't even fathom that now. I have a lot of appointments now but those are mostly to help guide me on my journey towards being healthy not because I feel sick. I was in a bad emotional state, drowning in bills, overwhelmed by the decision of owning my own beauty shop, I lived terrified of letting people down but most of all I was mortified at the thought of failure. I knowingly put myself in the middle of a hurricane expecting calm waters. The thought of it makes me laugh. I want to look down at that girl and say "Really Vanessa? Really?" I don't regret it though. I learned a lot about life, people, and mostly I learned about myself. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to not have anxiety about that time in my life. Once I sat in a grocery parking lot for 30 minutes scared to go in because I didn't want to see anyone I knew because I knew they would have questions. I officially gave up on my beauty shop dream on a Saturday, that day I packed up my things and returned the beauty shop to its rightful owner. I watched my hopes and dream slip right through my fingers along with over $30k I had invested into that dream in one year. It hurt like hell to give up. I felt like a failure, a joke, a complete disappointment. It was rough and that following Monday I had a mass removed from my side... It was the scariest thing I had ever been through, feeling something growing that you knew was not supposed to be there. The not knowing was the worst. My creative imagination was building up a horror story in my head and I had to wait until they removed my stitches for the results. I even called once to see if they had heard anything and all they said was that the doctor would talk to me on the day I was scheduled to have the stitches removed. I was scheduled for two weeks after the mass removal. It got delayed by about a week and a half because in the middle of my hell I lost my Grandfather. We loaded up, stitches and all, risking infection, I called the doctor to let him know I was going to Mexico on an emergency and that I would have to reschedule, he gave me some instruction to follow to reduce the risk. I even drove while in pain because I was the only one who hadn't been working and wasn't as tired as everyone else. And all of this to say goodbye to that great man. I'd do it all over again nothing would have kept me from paying my respect to the man responsible for the existence of my family. As soon as I got back I went to get the stitches removed and hear the results. NON MALIGNANT!! Finally I was able to catch a break. The whirlwind began to settle, the storm was finally dying down. After that I only sailed in calm waters, terrified of the slightest change in wind. I took on zero responsibility, took care of me and only me. My needs before others. It was the first time I had only thought of myself. Although it's ok to be selfish every once in a while it's not something that I really wanted to become. I had to find myself again. I only realized after the storm had passed exactly how much of myself hadn't made it out safe. I lost my passion, my drive, that exhilarating feeling I'd get when I picked up a pair of scissors. That excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach when my clients called for appointments. It became a burden, a heavy boulder weighing me down, the lack of interest was unbearable. I still haven't found it again. I hope one day I'll wake up and it'll be there again but for now it just isn't. I took a new path, administrative assistant to our city manager. Not a path I ever thought I'd take, not one I dreamt all my life about, or even one I worked hard to achieve, but I'm happy. It's consistent, stable, I know what to expect and know my duties. I do my job and I like to think I do it well. I am good. Finally, I am really good. I will forever think twice before telling someone to "quit stressing." Stress controlled my life for a good while, I gladly say that I broke free from that prison. I won't say my life is completely stress free but the stress I do find myself in I am now able to keep under control instead of letting it control me. Today I can say that my blood pressure has been normal for over a year and that my thyroid is working within the normal range and all without medicine. I had no idea of the physical, mental, and emotional side effects that stress had had on me.
Once again thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blogs and to all those who have stopped me in the street to tell me that they enjoy these blogs, you will never know how much that truly means to me!
Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.
Once again thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blogs and to all those who have stopped me in the street to tell me that they enjoy these blogs, you will never know how much that truly means to me!
Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.
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