VanessaBlogs.com - Blog

Random Late Night Writtings

Tue, 24 May 2022 06:11:23 GMT

There are times when writing again feels impossible. Others the words flow through me as if they were an extension or a new limb. It comes from somewhere different. I don’t let myself think or filter my own thoughts. I just write. I write about the pain in my heart, a pain that has never left since the day you did. A pain that is hard to talk about because it's been so long. How can a pain that started so many years ago still feel this fresh, this raw. How do I still have tears left to cry after the many that have already streamed down my face. How can a perfectly fine day turn so blue with one thought of you. One glimpse of old emails that I accidentally opened and I'm there again. Lost again. How does time pass and stand still? How does pain like this never cease to exist? I was told it would get easier, better, be ok, but it still isn’t it never will be. Truth is you in my life was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Having you out of it gutted me, it still hurts me. I draw a smile on my face everyday and when I am alone in the dark I think of you, think of us. Think of everything you’ve missed. Think of everything we missed. I think of all our conversations and times together, your bear hugs, your laughter on the other end of the phone. The countless words I’ve written about you and never shared. The countless memories that were only ours and I've never told. Your voice still comes through in certain songs, I see your smile branded on the inside of my eyelids, I close my eyes and I can see you. Time flows and moves and in my heart I feel stuck there in the past holding on for my life just so I don’t forget you. I can recall just about every little detail about that day. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I got the call. The first one was uncertainty. When I got the call that you were gone I was alone in my door room and all I could do was scream. I yelled at God, I was so angry with him for many years. Bitter for a long time and confused as to why you, why take you. I still don’t understand but my life was on hold for a long time after that. I forgot how to live. I didn’t know how, I didn’t want to. It was the darkest of times. Times not many know about. I distanced myself from everyone. I pushed everyone away. Only my girls, my two nieces, pulled me out of that space. Their love helped me survive. Their love kept me alive. I never share how serious this time in my life was, how truly dark it got and how much I enjoyed that dark place. Pulling out of it was almost impossible but eventually I learned to live again. I learned to trust in life and live and love again. I learned it was ok to have dark days but not live and dwell in them. I struggle with that still. Staying in my dark place too long. I have friends and family who constantly pull me out of it. I am grateful for them. I am grateful for the amazing things that I feel coming my way. At times the guilt of living and being happy burdens me, then I remember how much you loved me and how much you wanted me to be happy. How you would drop anything even in the middle of the night to comfort me to help me to love me. I know you would want all the wonderful things in my life for me and I have to constantly make you the promise that I will keep going. I will keep trying. I will keep living. I will keep loving you and thinking of you and occasionally cry for you. Most importantly I will free you, I will free me.

I know it has been years since I have even updated this website but when inspiration hits you just let it flow. I will not make a schedule at this time but do wish to keep posting from time to time. Thanks for the continued support even after all this time!

16 YEARS

Mon, 18 Feb 2019 19:31:00 GMT

16 years can sound like a lifetime but when speaking about loss it feels like just yesterday. I have never quite known what makes some years easier than others but this year… it’s one of the tough ones. It’s the kind of year that I start to feel the pain about mid-February and it tends to last past March. My hearts reminder that a great loss was felt many years ago. When I think back on this time it’s like I’m watching from a cinematic point of view I watch myself, I watch my life fall apart, watch it crumble right before my eyes. It’s the kind of thing that completely changes you, it shakes your world up so bad that it changes the course you were on. In my case it completely stopped it. For an entire year I quit living. I was like a robot doing the things I needed to stay charged but nothing more. It’s a strange feeling to remember because I was so deep into the loss if feels dark, gloomy, like a dark shadow having a hold of me. Depression. I felt comfortable there, safe and hidden. Hidden from the sad looks on people’s faces, hidden from the annoying “are you, okays” and “it’ll get betters” hidden from the people looking for answers to why I wouldn’t return calls or messages. I had no room left for anyone or anything my entire being was filled with pain and anger… and oh boy the anger that resided in me was large. I would literally scream at God like I had him in my face, I’d tell him all the things he had done wrong by me. I was going toe to toe with God because he took him from me, because he was finally better and he yanked him from me. I loved him, what a lot people don’t know is that I was in love with him. Something that I was never even able to tell him because he was TAKEN from me. Sometimes the shadows claw at my feet trying to drag me back in and I try with all my might to fight them off. I take to writing to gather my thoughts clear my head. I use it as a way to purge everything I hold inside because I’m the happy one, the one that always smiles and is always funny. I love the life that I have now and it’s a work in progress to look back and see what I climbed out of and feel proud instead of guilty. I try to look past the loss and look to what I had before, the many nights we stayed up talking on the phone or chatting online. I look back to the smiles and laughter we shared. To the songs we sang. To the walks home from school and that damn smile that I can still see in my memories. That first year I was terrified of forgetting you, 16 years later I remember you the same. Loss can be an awful thing but if we stick around long enough we still come out on the other side of it. There is no appropriate amount of time to mourn or rules you need to follow to correctly grieve, it’s a process a lifetime wouldn’t be enough to forget someone you love but mourning isn’t trying to forget its holding on to the good memories, the ones that make us smile and sometimes make us cry. It’s taking every day one at a time one foot in front of the other. It’s learning to live with the new circumstance you find yourself in. Living and not dying in life and most importantly losing the guilt of being alive.

Thank you all who have continued to push me to keep writing and have been waiting for new post for a LONG time I appreciate you never giving up on me. I knew only time would tell to get me back into it and I hope I do continue to write often. I know you will all be the first to know when I do.

I'm still here!

Fri, 24 Jun 2016 03:30:19 GMT

A couple of days ago I sat down writing a blog about how I have been busy with the new YouTube channel Naked Nanners and how that was why I hadn't blogged. Although this is partially true I'd be going against everything that started this blog if I posted that. I wouldn't have been completely honest with you or myself if I had. Truth be told I'm embarrassed. Why? Because I feel like I've let you down, my readers and I've let myself down. I am embarrassed about not loosing anymore weight, I lost momentum. Thanks to a little angel, whom I had prayed for, unknowingly gave me the little nudge I needed to get back on here. I have to say that so much has happened. I have been living with Mark for over a year and our little life is so amazing. More than I could have ever dreamt of, it was a rough start but day by day we learn more and more about each other. We launched a new YouTube channel in May and have been posting every Sunday so if you want to you can check that out here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYT9uFDoFwWZ5OcQAtKRKEQ
All I ever wanted this blog to be was a place where I could do one of the things I love most which is writing. I hoped I could inspire at least one single person, or bring a smile to your face. Thank you to those that have checked back in to see if there's a new blog and those who have asked me personally. You inspire me everyday and for that I will always be grateful.

What wining means to me.

Sun, 07 Feb 2016 19:37:31 GMT

Recently while attending my nieces last home game of her high school career I was witness to something so amazing it nearly brought me to tears. Needless to say it was already an emotional day to begin with as my niece was born when I was 14 and we have shared many beautiful and memorable moments together. This amazing moment I speak up didn't happen during her game no it was actually during the boys game that I saw something so special that it honestly made me realize how fortunate we truly are to live in such a tight knit community. During a game that would be the last in a lot of kids high school careers one special kid was the main star. He would not be the star player for the usual reason you would find on the court but for his amazing ability to light up the court in a different way. Many of you reading my know him others may not but he is a special kid with many needs of a very small build an unlikely athlete. He was one of the starters of his last home game. The most special moment came toward the last minutes when the crowd began to cheer for him to get put back in the game and the coach complied with the demands. During this game where the scoreboard was obviously not in our favor he ran out with such gusto and just pure joy that in that moment the scoreboard no longer mattered. The crowd cheered for him not just on our side of the sands but on the opposing team too. In fact one of the opposing team kids told the referee to give him a foul only to allow this special kid an opportunity to shoot a free throw. When he made one of his baskets the crowd jumped to their feet and cheered it was as though he made the winning shot and in a way he did. He continued to play and at the end he made another shot everyone again jumped up to their feet and I knew then and there that sometimes scoreboards lie, we won that game. In that moment it didn't matter to either team who won we became humans and put all that to the side, a kids dream came true and my heart was filled with pride to come from a place where most people can see the true meaning of sports. It is these moments that make me feel stronger than ever about how sports are simply entertainment to us but to the kids it can teach them so many life lessons unfortunately we are so often blinded by the scoreboard that it becomes hard to see. On a professional level in sports you support your team weather they win or loose because you believe in them and sometimes they have great seasons and sometimes they don't but you continue to support them and be there for them. You wear their jersey with pride even if they are on a loosing streak. You place their emblem on your car or as the profile picture of your facebook page. You stick with them because they are your team win or loose. Well these kids are my team win or loose and I will not give up on them just because they had a rough season. I will not discount all their hard work because they had a rough season. I will not say there is no hope for them because they had a rough season. I will continue to wear my shirts and show pride in them because they are my team. Kiowa Pride never dies.

The Struggle is Real...

Thu, 28 Jan 2016 03:34:02 GMT

Many of you may be wondering why I haven't been posting. I'd love to say that I've been busy and just simply couldn't find the time but I'd be lying. The truth is that writing it down makes it real. Writing down that for the first time ever I'm having self esteem issues makes the struggle real. I haven't lost the battle because I'm not done fighting but I have been in somewhat of a rut. I've been going through emotions that I've never had before about my body and who I am as a person. I search deep into my soul trying to find the answer to my problems but I don't seem to find one. It's quite difficult to be happy and unhappy at the same time. A lot of amazing and wonderful blessings have come my way and in most every other aspect in my life I am quite blissfully happy. I've moved in with the love of my life and although there are struggles for the most part we are both extremely happy. I don't want anyone to think that my body issues have anything to do with those changes in my life. Those issues are mine, I have to own them. My weight loss has come to a stand still and not even a plateau it's actually more like little hills I'm up and down but all within a few pounds. I attribute this mostly to a drastic schedule and life change. I became complacent I stopped being diligent and persistent in my good life style choices I slacked off, I got in a rut, I fell off the hypothetical wagon, however you'd like to word it it happened and I'm ashamed. I think that's the biggest struggle of all, the shame I feel for letting myself down, for letting my readers down. It feels good putting it into words and being vulnerable with myself and my biggest supporters. Thank you for being patient thank you sister for being persistent about me blogging. Today I choose to begin somewhere and for me blogging is the first step to getting back control over my life.

Been So Long

Tue, 24 Mar 2015 05:49:34 GMT

The following is something I wrote in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face, with a gut wrenching pain in my stomach, and a large void in my heart. I can't believe after all this time this day always seems to creep up on me. I become irritable and seclude myself. I wonder why I am feeling so blah then out of nowhere like boulders falling from the sky it hits me. Today is a day I think about more often than I'd like but it had such a huge impact in my life that I really never was the same again. I know this to be true for many us, all of us that knew him, loved him and continue to miss him. I still expect to hear his voice on the other end of the phone or hear him sing. We used to sing Picture by Kidd Rock and Cheryl Crow he would sing Kidd's part and I Cheryl's. Who knew that to this day when I hear that song I feel a little ping in my heart a sharp pain. I share these words and emotions not for sympathy but I wish I had known of someone who had felt the way I did back in that time. I felt so alone, so scared that I wouldn't be able to move on. I write these things and most of all I share these things in hopes that whoever reads them finds some comfort in knowing that they are not alone. This is for you John-John.

It's been so long since you've been gone tell me why does this pain remain.

I loved you once a million times your face is branded in my brain.

What am I supposed to do when your memories creep up on me crippling me to my knees asking God please let me see him once again.

It's been so long you'd think I had forgotten. Your perfect smile your soothing voice the way it felt to hold you.

You've been gone for far too long, so long I ache to see you. I pray to God above to please allow you in my dreams so I can at least pretend you're near me.

How many years have to pass for this pain to go away. I beg and pray for some solution to a heart that broke but never mended? How do you cure a pain so deep it takes the life right from you?

Some days are good some days are bad, today's the one I always dread. I lost you here so long ago, on this day I hate the most. I lost my friend the one I loved and I'm not sure I ever told.

On this day so long ago I lost him without warning. My world went dark my nights grew cold and my life was changed forever.

I'll love him always, miss him always, carry him in my heart wherever I may go.

I allow these tears to stream down my face because you deserve them. Thank you for the time we spent these tears are proof of all those moments. Every tear I shed for you is in return for all those things you did for me.

Things I wish I had known!

Sat, 24 Jan 2015 03:26:39 GMT

The truth is I've always known I was overweight. As a child I was aware of being "bigger" than the other kids, being taller than my brother who was 3 years older than me. I was aware of how I was in comparison to others, but even then I have always been comfortable in my own skin. Maybe so comfortable in fact that it could have possibly stopped me from doing something sooner. There are a few things I would have liked to know as a young girl things I wish I could go back in time and tell a young vulnerable Vanessa. Just words of wisdom that could have changed my life drastically.
"You will not grow out of this like some people tell you, work hard now so you don't have to later." Even doctors told my mother this, when she would ask about my weight.
"You will find someone who loves you for the person you are, stop using that as an excuse or self challenge to stay this way." I used to think "I need to find someone who loves me this way cause then I'll know they really love me." As if loving me was a challenge if I was overweight. How little trust I had in the opposite sex. Haha
"Just because you don't have a problem with how you look doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything about it and put your health at risk." This one was tough, it stopped me for a long time because I don't have a problem with my physical appearance even at my heaviest I felt beautiful.
"Weight loss is a side effect of being healthy, focus on health the rest will happen naturally." This one has taken me YEARS to come to terms with. Focusing on diets and food is the worst thing you can do! Food isn't the enemy like I've been brainwashed to think. Food is fuel, bottom line point blank. We give food power and control over our lives because we associate it with happy moments, if I say "cake" I am almost willing to bet that your first thought is about what you were doing the last time you had a slice of cake. We celebrate, mourn, gather, socialize, and try to alter our emotional state with food, but would you do the same at a gas station? Would you throw a party at the pump every time you had to fill up? Why do we hold so much emotional attachment to our body's fuel source? Why do foods trigger so many memories and emotions. Don't fall for the diet fads and frenzies! Change your lifestyle and listen to things your body wants and rejects, not the things that your mind thinks it needs. If you want a cookie have a cookie don't feel guilty have it and be done, use the sugar for a little extra boost and move on. Don't sit there and have six cookies just because the first one made you feel happy for a second. It really can be quite an addiction and we have a hard time controlling our intake due to our search for the next high. We don't tune into our bodies and listen when its screaming enough is enough! I had a coke and a twix bar today! I don't regret it, I don't feel guilty, I had it, used it to finish off my day and I have moved on. This was a rare event I was in tune with what I needed mostly mentally, because physically I'm sure a better choice could have been made. Once I ate it I was done, I did not want more, I didn't feel anxious about when I would have more, it wasn't on my mind. When we deprive our bodies completely from what we are told we have to stay away from it's all you think about. It's such a fine line to walk on, not feeling guilty about those few bad choices and just not caring and making every bad choice. I tread it very carefully on a daily basis, and with each passing day I am learning to become in tune with what my body actually needs, like proteins from animals not fake stuff. How vegetables are important even though I fight it everyday. I find that the coke and twix was a small fix but a few carrots would have lasted longer. I learn to find the right fuels for me, the ones that don't make you feel physically miserable but instead the ones that boost your energy naturally and nutritiously. Trial and error, unfortunately there isn't a secret recipe. You have to see what your own body needs, because what I lack nutritionally may not be what you lack. Ultimately you have to listen to your body, feeling that 2'o'clock drag IS NOT NORMAL! There is actually food out there that will keep that from happening, healthy snacking and foods rich in the fuels our bodies need to survive!

Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.

NEW BEFORE AND AFTER PIC!

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 03:19:54 GMT

I haven't been keeping you all as updated as I would like! This year started out so busy already! I haven't been home a single weekend except for Christmas since before Thanksgiving! I have been keeping busy and staying active. Its one of the many changes that have come about in my new lifestyle. I often have hard days but they are mostly filled with amazing ones full of love and support from all of you. I know a lot of people have been wondering how I am loosing weight or what I am doing different. The answer is EVERYTHING! Everything I do is different, from how I sleep to how I eat to how I view life. There was a shift in my life and I am taking full advantage! I can only speak for myself and can share my experiences but this doesn't mean that it will work for everyone, but I have found that the most important thing is looking within yourself and finding out what you really want. I am scared on the daily about gaining weight back, I am down 40 lbs. so far and if feels great to have that off of me, the changes are slow and gradual and that is exactly how I have always wanted them to be. My cpap machine or sleeping machine like I call it has helped me immensely, You don't realize how important a good nights rest is until you actually have it. I came to the hash realization that I didn't know when the last time was that I had actually rested throughout the whole night. I tossed and turned many nights waking up every hour on the hour, or laying there saying ok if I go to sleep now I can sleep 6 solid hours, then ok if I go to sleep now I can get 5 good hours that's enough, then ok 4 hours, 4 hours will work I can last all day on 4 hours, some nights I was lucky if I got a full 3 hours of sleep, some nights no sleep at all and work all day. I didn't know why, I blamed stress or having trouble shutting my brain off at night. My pulmonologist told me that someone has severe apnea if they stop breathing more than 40 times in a period of 1 hour, after my sleep study he looked at me and said, Vanessa, you stopped breathing 68 times on us, we had to hook you up to the machine. It is why I had had a headache almost everyday for the last several years of my life, lack of oxygen during sleep. Its why no matter how hard I tried it was so difficult to find the energy to go anywhere or do anything on my days off. No one understood, the life of an obese young adult wanting and yearning for things that their body just couldn't give them. Telling myself that I was just lazy, when the truth was that I just physically couldn't do anything. I am so fortunate to have decided to do something about my health, with every day that passes I learn just a little bit more about myself. It has been such an interesting journey thus far, the outpour of support is so overwhelming, I know that many of you are cheering for me and I want just wanted you to know that I hear you, and I am cheering for you too, in whatever it is you need cheering for.

The picture above on the left is October 2014 and on the right is January 2015

Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.

The first blog of 2015!!

Thu, 01 Jan 2015 22:41:27 GMT

The first blog of 2015!! I have been wanting to do another blog a while now but first couldn’t find the time, Christmas was the first weekend I had been home. Second, I wasn’t too sure what to blog about. Finally, I was lacking the inspiration to do so, but here we are! 2015! I wanted to make this blog insightful, meeningful, deep, but why? Life is too short to start the year off so freaking serious! So instead I did something a little different! I did a photobooth challenge in pictures, for those of you who don’t know usually the photo booth challenge is done in a video but I wanted to bring still images instead! So here it goes enjoy! Starting the year off with a smile sounds like to best way to get this year going!

Like always, Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.

Stress and the side effects it had on my life...

Sat, 06 Dec 2014 17:13:45 GMT

Why don't people ever treat stress with sincerity? Often people, including myself, say things like "stop stressing out," "what are you so stressed for?" As if we were created with an on/off switch for stress. The more my life changes the more I realize about myself. I had more doctor appointments recently, all good, one was a follow up after some lab work testing my thyroid. Some people may not know this but a couple of years ago I was on high blood pressure pills and thyroid pills which I was told I would have to take the rest of my life... During that time I was in and out of the clinic once, twice, three, up to four times a month! That's right! There were months where I felt so miserable I was in there once a week. I can't even fathom that now. I have a lot of appointments now but those are mostly to help guide me on my journey towards being healthy not because I feel sick. I was in a bad emotional state, drowning in bills, overwhelmed by the decision of owning my own beauty shop, I lived terrified of letting people down but most of all I was mortified at the thought of failure. I knowingly put myself in the middle of a hurricane expecting calm waters. The thought of it makes me laugh. I want to look down at that girl and say "Really Vanessa? Really?" I don't regret it though. I learned a lot about life, people, and mostly I learned about myself. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to not have anxiety about that time in my life. Once I sat in a grocery parking lot for 30 minutes scared to go in because I didn't want to see anyone I knew because I knew they would have questions. I officially gave up on my beauty shop dream on a Saturday, that day I packed up my things and returned the beauty shop to its rightful owner. I watched my hopes and dream slip right through my fingers along with over $30k I had invested into that dream in one year. It hurt like hell to give up. I felt like a failure, a joke, a complete disappointment. It was rough and that following Monday I had a mass removed from my side... It was the scariest thing I had ever been through, feeling something growing that you knew was not supposed to be there. The not knowing was the worst. My creative imagination was building up a horror story in my head and I had to wait until they removed my stitches for the results. I even called once to see if they had heard anything and all they said was that the doctor would talk to me on the day I was scheduled to have the stitches removed. I was scheduled for two weeks after the mass removal. It got delayed by about a week and a half because in the middle of my hell I lost my Grandfather. We loaded up, stitches and all, risking infection, I called the doctor to let him know I was going to Mexico on an emergency and that I would have to reschedule, he gave me some instruction to follow to reduce the risk. I even drove while in pain because I was the only one who hadn't been working and wasn't as tired as everyone else. And all of this to say goodbye to that great man. I'd do it all over again nothing would have kept me from paying my respect to the man responsible for the existence of my family. As soon as I got back I went to get the stitches removed and hear the results. NON MALIGNANT!! Finally I was able to catch a break. The whirlwind began to settle, the storm was finally dying down. After that I only sailed in calm waters, terrified of the slightest change in wind. I took on zero responsibility, took care of me and only me. My needs before others. It was the first time I had only thought of myself. Although it's ok to be selfish every once in a while it's not something that I really wanted to become. I had to find myself again. I only realized after the storm had passed exactly how much of myself hadn't made it out safe. I lost my passion, my drive, that exhilarating feeling I'd get when I picked up a pair of scissors. That excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach when my clients called for appointments. It became a burden, a heavy boulder weighing me down, the lack of interest was unbearable. I still haven't found it again. I hope one day I'll wake up and it'll be there again but for now it just isn't. I took a new path, administrative assistant to our city manager. Not a path I ever thought I'd take, not one I dreamt all my life about, or even one I worked hard to achieve, but I'm happy. It's consistent, stable, I know what to expect and know my duties. I do my job and I like to think I do it well. I am good. Finally, I am really good. I will forever think twice before telling someone to "quit stressing." Stress controlled my life for a good while, I gladly say that I broke free from that prison. I won't say my life is completely stress free but the stress I do find myself in I am now able to keep under control instead of letting it control me. Today I can say that my blood pressure has been normal for over a year and that my thyroid is working within the normal range and all without medicine. I had no idea of the physical, mental, and emotional side effects that stress had had on me.

Once again thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blogs and to all those who have stopped me in the street to tell me that they enjoy these blogs, you will never know how much that truly means to me!

Good day and goodnight from my computer to you I wish you love, laughter and happiness.