There are times when writing again feels impossible. Others the words flow through me as if they were an extension or a new limb. It comes from somewhere different. I don’t let myself think or filter my own thoughts. I just write. I write about the pain in my heart, a pain that has never left since the day you did. A pain that is hard to talk about because it's been so long. How can a pain that started so many years ago still feel this fresh, this raw. How do I still have tears left to cry after the many that have already streamed down my face. How can a perfectly fine day turn so blue with one thought of you. One glimpse of old emails that I accidentally opened and I'm there again. Lost again. How does time pass and stand still? How does pain like this never cease to exist? I was told it would get easier, better, be ok, but it still isn’t it never will be. Truth is you in my life was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Having you out of it gutted me, it still hurts me. I draw a smile on my face everyday and when I am alone in the dark I think of you, think of us. Think of everything you’ve missed. Think of everything we missed. I think of all our conversations and times together, your bear hugs, your laughter on the other end of the phone. The countless words I’ve written about you and never shared. The countless memories that were only ours and I've never told. Your voice still comes through in certain songs, I see your smile branded on the inside of my eyelids, I close my eyes and I can see you. Time flows and moves and in my heart I feel stuck there in the past holding on for my life just so I don’t forget you. I can recall just about every little detail about that day. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I got the call. The first one was uncertainty. When I got the call that you were gone I was alone in my door room and all I could do was scream. I yelled at God, I was so angry with him for many years. Bitter for a long time and confused as to why you, why take you. I still don’t understand but my life was on hold for a long time after that. I forgot how to live. I didn’t know how, I didn’t want to. It was the darkest of times. Times not many know about. I distanced myself from everyone. I pushed everyone away. Only my girls, my two nieces, pulled me out of that space. Their love helped me survive. Their love kept me alive. I never share how serious this time in my life was, how truly dark it got and how much I enjoyed that dark place. Pulling out of it was almost impossible but eventually I learned to live again. I learned to trust in life and live and love again. I learned it was ok to have dark days but not live and dwell in them. I struggle with that still. Staying in my dark place too long. I have friends and family who constantly pull me out of it. I am grateful for them. I am grateful for the amazing things that I feel coming my way. At times the guilt of living and being happy burdens me, then I remember how much you loved me and how much you wanted me to be happy. How you would drop anything even in the middle of the night to comfort me to help me to love me. I know you would want all the wonderful things in my life for me and I have to constantly make you the promise that I will keep going. I will keep trying. I will keep living. I will keep loving you and thinking of you and occasionally cry for you. Most importantly I will free you, I will free me.
I know it has been years since I have even updated this website but when inspiration hits you just let it flow. I will not make a schedule at this time but do wish to keep posting from time to time. Thanks for the continued support even after all this time!
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