Dear John,
I lay here in my dark, empty room. I can barely see the words that I write but I know that I must. I know that I need to write down these emotions that invade my soul. I need to write down that I miss you and how I wish you were here. I need to write that although it’s been two years I cry for you still. I need to write that I am dying inside that as the end of this second year without you approaches it gets harder to breathe, harder to sleep, harder to live. Everyone said that it would get easier, that is going to be “ok” but how would they know? They truth is they don’t. They don’t know that during these cold lonely nights I miss you the same, how if I close my eyes I can still see your face. How when I’m living my life trying not to look behind I can’t help but wishing you were by my side. One thing that keeps me going is the thought of you smiling down on me from above, but I miss you and wish you were here.
How selfish I feel when knowing you’re in a better place, all I wish for is to hold your beautiful face. How selfish I feel when consumed by my own pain, I don’t think of the Payne’s and how they must feel to have lost their own. How selfish I feel when I keep all these things inside instead of speaking them out to help others get by.
Throughout all of these things some truths remain, I’m missing you still, I’m loving you still, I’m crying for you still.
Since you've been gone it’s gotten harder to write for I am afraid of what I might find.
One thing you must know is that at first I blamed God. How angry I was that he would take you from my side. How angry I was that I wanted to die. I’m no longer angry but still so confused. So many things that I don’t understand and never will. So many questions and no one with answers. Just save me a place up in Heaven but be patient because it might be a while. Know that we will be together again, but until then come visit me in the form of a dream. I promise that I will try harder to live life and only remember those happy times because I know that it may be the only thing that helps me get by.
I lay here in my dark, empty room. I can barely see the words that I write but I know that I must. I know that I need to write down these emotions that invade my soul. I need to write down that I miss you and how I wish you were here. I need to write that although it’s been two years I cry for you still. I need to write that I am dying inside that as the end of this second year without you approaches it gets harder to breathe, harder to sleep, harder to live. Everyone said that it would get easier, that is going to be “ok” but how would they know? They truth is they don’t. They don’t know that during these cold lonely nights I miss you the same, how if I close my eyes I can still see your face. How when I’m living my life trying not to look behind I can’t help but wishing you were by my side. One thing that keeps me going is the thought of you smiling down on me from above, but I miss you and wish you were here.
How selfish I feel when knowing you’re in a better place, all I wish for is to hold your beautiful face. How selfish I feel when consumed by my own pain, I don’t think of the Payne’s and how they must feel to have lost their own. How selfish I feel when I keep all these things inside instead of speaking them out to help others get by.
Throughout all of these things some truths remain, I’m missing you still, I’m loving you still, I’m crying for you still.
Since you've been gone it’s gotten harder to write for I am afraid of what I might find.
One thing you must know is that at first I blamed God. How angry I was that he would take you from my side. How angry I was that I wanted to die. I’m no longer angry but still so confused. So many things that I don’t understand and never will. So many questions and no one with answers. Just save me a place up in Heaven but be patient because it might be a while. Know that we will be together again, but until then come visit me in the form of a dream. I promise that I will try harder to live life and only remember those happy times because I know that it may be the only thing that helps me get by.
I contemplated putting this one up only because it is so personal, we have all lost someone close to us and when we think about them even after so much time passes the pain is still there. I wrote this 2 years after loosing one of my best friends, John Payne. We had so many plans for our future and all of that was taken away from us in an instant. I had never lost anyone like that and I gave up life for a while. Many of you may not know but after that loss I quit college, I stayed locked away in my house for over a year. The very few times I would go out people would say "Oh hey you're in town!" I would fake a smile and nod. They didn't know that I had been around all along. I have to give my parents so much credit for pulling me out of that dark place that I found myself. They let me mourn, they let me give up for a while and asked nothing of me, but when enough was enough I was given a choice to either work or go back to school. During that year I would only leave my room to go to the bathroom or if I absolutely had to leave the house. I would go to the kitchen to get food and eat in my room. I would spend a lot of time on the computer or watching TV. I quit calling my friends and taking calls from them. Pretty much the only thing that made me truly happy was spending time with my niece, she was the only one that could pull a real smile out of me, the rest were fake. I sit here having a hard time seeing what I am writing because tears fill my eyes. I miss him still. I wish I could share so much with him. I wonder what he would think of YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. I find peace now though but glimpses of probably one of the darkest moments of life still creep up on me. I learned not to shove them away but welcome them take a moment with them but not reside in that dark place anymore. It seems impossible to think of all the years in between because when I think about it it still all feels so fresh like it was only yesterday. I truly hope that if nothing else anyone who is experiencing loss at this time knows that they are not alone. We all deal with things differently and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. There is also no time limit as I still mourn John's death to this day. We just have to learn to not stop living just because they had to.
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