The following is something I wrote in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face, with a gut wrenching pain in my stomach, and a large void in my heart. I can't believe after all this time this day always seems to creep up on me. I become irritable and seclude myself. I wonder why I am feeling so blah then out of nowhere like boulders falling from the sky it hits me. Today is a day I think about more often than I'd like but it had such a huge impact in my life that I really never was the same again. I know this to be true for many us, all of us that knew him, loved him and continue to miss him. I still expect to hear his voice on the other end of the phone or hear him sing. We used to sing Picture by Kidd Rock and Cheryl Crow he would sing Kidd's part and I Cheryl's. Who knew that to this day when I hear that song I feel a little ping in my heart a sharp pain. I share these words and emotions not for sympathy but I wish I had known of someone who had felt the way I did back in that time. I felt so alone, so scared that I wouldn't be able to move on. I write these things and most of all I share these things in hopes that whoever reads them finds some comfort in knowing that they are not alone.  This is for you John-John.





It's been so long since you've been gone tell me why does this pain remain. 

I loved you once a million times your face is branded in my brain.

What am I supposed to do when your memories creep up on me crippling me to my knees asking God please let me see him once again. 

It's been so long you'd think I had forgotten. Your perfect smile your soothing voice the way it felt to hold you. 

You've been gone for far too long, so long I ache to see you. I pray to God above to please allow you in my dreams so I can at least pretend you're near me. 

How many years have to pass for this pain to go away. I beg and pray for some solution to a heart that broke but never mended? How do you cure a pain so deep it takes the life right from you? 

Some days are good some days are bad, today's the one I always dread. I lost you here so long ago, on this day I hate the most. I lost my friend the one I loved and I'm not sure I ever told.

On this day so long ago I lost him without warning. My world went dark my nights grew cold and my life was changed forever. 

I'll love him always, miss him always, carry him in my heart wherever I may go. 

I allow these tears to stream down my face because you deserve them. Thank you for the time we spent these tears are proof of all those moments. Every tear I shed for you is in return for all those things you did for me.